What Perry should really say...

Our governor, Rick Perry, has recently launched an effort to lure businesses from California and New York to Texas.  Perry’s message has been very subtle, disguised as touting Texas’ “business climate.” Perhaps our Governor should speak plainly and tell businesses in New York and California what he is really trying to say, in plain language. The following are ten points Perry could incorporate into his letter to lure businesses to Texas.

1. Come on to Texas, where we have no income tax. Of course we don’t have enough money to run our schools, maintain our highways, or provide health care for our citizens, but we have no income tax. By skillfully pushing off state responsibility on local governments, we have maintained one of the lowest effective tax rates of any state in the union. However, if you buy a nice home in Texas, your property taxes will be sky high. Your sales tax will ever increase, and almost every fee from hunting licenses to traffic tickets will be higher than most other states. 

2. We are an anti-regulation state. Why, recently we’ve even allowed a company to blow up a whole town with no significant penalty. We refuse to believe global warming is in fact caused by humans, and will fight to the bitter end to allow industry’s right to pollute. What if it does cause a little emphysema, asthma or benzine-caused leukemia. What’re all of those petty bothers compared to a good business climate and lots of jobs?

3. Some say our no new tax policy has caused us to be in a real bind with keeping up a decent highway system equal to our growth in population. We have found a remedy for that. In areas where big oil-field trucks have torn up paved highways, we have replaced them with fine gravel roads. It was good enough for grandpa, it’s good enough for us.

4. We have kept a Rainy Day Fund savings account in the bank. We have almost $12 billion and have preserved it by cutting public education by $5 billion a couple of sessions ago. Our public school system is really of no concern because most of my friends’ kids are in private schools anyway.

5. Some argue that Texas continues to be near the bottom, surpassing only Mississippi, in the quality of public education. Not to worry. This criticism is more than offset by the fact that our education system keeps us near the top of any state in low-wage workers. We have an abundance of yard men and maids available in Texas. We will continue to work to make sure that wages do not get out of hand in our state.

6. In spite of national criticisms by the liberal left wing, we do in fact have an adequate health care system for the poor here in Texas. It’s called go to the emergency room. While we don’t tax people directly, they pay for it when they pay for their health insurance. Aside from that, we have many of the finest health facilities in Dallas and Houston that are readily available to people of means.

7. I must brag on our Attorney General in Texas. He has sued the United States government more times than he has filed a major lawsuit against corporate crooks or polluters. You see, he’s doing his best to maintain the good ole’ Texas business climate.

8. We are especially proud of our Supreme Court, most of whom I’ve appointed at one time or another. They almost never allow an injured individual to abuse one of our corporations with a lawsuit.

9. The really good news is that, as Governor, I have established several slush funds with which I can reward friendly political supporters, such as you could be, with several millions in start-up funds. I have given these funds catchy names, like the Enterprise Fund. The really good news is that in Texas most folks have not caught onto the fact that we have wasted billions of dollars of taxpayer monies with these slush funds, but they have been very beneficial to my political career. 

10. The clincher to this letter is that if you move your business to Texas, it most assuredly will help me in my run for President.

Yours very truly,

Rick Perry